It’s been a while since I’ve written a list-style blog post. Lists are my heroin, my smack, my gray lady, my snow, my nose candy, my… alright, it’s painfully obvious I know nothing about hard drugs from that string of aged slang. But lists, lists I know. Also, webcomics.
Lately I’ve been working my way back through the archives of the peerless xkcd. The most amazing thing about this thrice-weekly is that it trots out ‘math’ right there in the header description, never shies away from including reams of math in the comics themselves and is still funny. To me. Even with the math. Math being my own personal Waterloo in that I, too, once became emperor of France, raised a huge army only to be routed by some guy named Beef Wellington and his legions of soldiers wielding the quadratic formula.
This morning I stumbled upon xkcd #886, which is brilliant in so many ways. A list but not a list. The way it subverts the painfully tedious scrolling we have all participated in while trolling for a new apartment. Yet another House of Leaves reference. What’s not to like, really? My favorite listing is the last:
$1616 / 3BR + 2Bath, tub full of blood. Closet full of board games that play themselves. Pets okay but won’t survive long.
The following blog post is an homage to this comic. All credit where credit is due. By which I mean don’t sue me Craigslist for writing the word Craigslist. Also please don’t send your army of Craigslist murderers to murder me. I enjoy murder even less than I do math. Someday I’ll pen a series of math murder mysteries with titles like Death by Division!; Algebra, She Wrote; and Pre-Calculus, Post-Mortem. Until then, my own fake Craigslist Apartment Listings.
$1400 / Bright, spacious, sunny. Lots of counter space. Perfect for large gatherings. Laundry in building. Building is laundromat.
$1600 / 3BR, bath. Recently refinished hardwood floors. High in canopy, sufficient distance from band of murderous apes.
$1000 / Run! Jesus Christ, run, run you fools! Oh… Oh God, it’s horrible. They’re all… they’re all dead. Billy. Sweet little Susie. They never did anything to anyone. They didn’t deserve this 2BR walk-up, the original wood trim, the ample parking.
$1100 / Pet friendly–hamsters, goldfish, etc. Bile floors throughout. Not the belly of a snake, that’s for sure.
$1200 / The perfect place for you and your loved ones for all eternity! Every amenity known to man. Apartment only appears when one is close to death. Poker games Friday nights (note: ‘Honest’ Abe cheats).
$950 / Positive report of some bedrooms. A kitchen, probably. A roof over your head one assumes. Rumor of a bath. A way in and out most likely. Landlord, new at this.
$800 / (utilities included save heat, electricity, gas, municipal water, recycling, trash/snow removal) 2BR, bath, airless vacuum of space.
$1500 / Whatever happened to predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, evening TV? When did I get to living here, somebody tell me please? This whole world’s confusing me.
$1600 / *uncontrollable sobbing*
$1250 / You find yourself on the internet looking at apartment listings. For a decent apartment, scroll to page 2. For a fixer-upper, scroll to page 3. For a great apartment please return to and reread the first sentence of this listing.